Perimenopause & Libido: How Your Sex Drive Can Thrive After 40
Are your hormones in over-drive or are you just happy to see me??
There’s something about getting older that can make you more comfortable in your own skin, more honest about what you want, and considerably less interested in pretending you don’t want it.
I am not 25 anymore.
Thank GOD.
I know my body now.
I know what I like.
And more importantly what I don’t.
I know that sometimes desire shows up spontaneously, and sometimes it needs a little invitation.
And I have absolutely no intention of apologizing for either.
Perimenopause can certainly bring hormonal fluctuations, changes in sleep, shifts in vaginal tissue and changes in sexual comfort. But those things don’t automatically equal a disappearing sex drive.
Your libido shouldn’t have an expiration date.
And neither should pleasure.
In fact, there are parts of my sexuality that feel better now simply because I know myself better.
There’s less performance.
Less worrying about whether I look sexy from a particular angle — I look fantastic in ALL of them — less wondering whether I’m doing everything right.
And considerably more.
That’s the kind of sexual confidence nobody tells you about when you’re younger.
And maybe that’s one of the unexpected gifts of this stage of life.
We’re not trying to get our younger selves back.
We’re learning how fucking good it feels to live in the bodies we have now.
Lube is not failure - It’s foreplay
Let’s discuss lubrication because I think we’ve somehow managed to turn it into a symbol of aging.
Ummm… No.
Lube is not the enemy. Lube is not a concession. Lube is not your vagina waving a tiny white flag because you’ve been starving her from a good insertion.
Needing it sometimes doesn’t mean anything is wrong.
Sometimes you naturally produce plenty of lubrication.
Sometimes you’re already basically running your own irrigation system.
Kudos.
The wetter, the better. I always say.
And sometimes hormones, stress, medications, hydration, timing or simply the fact that your body doesn’t feel like following the schedule you had in mind, only means you could use a little assistance.
So?
Use the assistance!
There is absolutely no prize for making intimacy unnecessarily difficult.
For me, lubricant is all about enhancing what is already happening.
More glide, more comfort. And frankly, more fun.
This is where Uberlube earns its spot in my nightstand.
It's silicone-based, silky, long-lasting, unscented and flavorless, and a little goes a surprisingly long way.
Translation?
No sticky aftermath.
No constantly stopping to reapply.
No weird fragrance competing with the mood.
Just smooth, comfortable glide.
And honestly, sometimes that's all you need to take something from:
“Are we really doing this right now?”
to
“Oh. There we go.”
I especially appreciate a good lubricant when dryness or sensitivity decides to make an appearance. Because intimacy should feel good—not like you're trying to sand a piece of furniture.
Tip: Silicone lubricant isn't compatible with every silicone toy, so check the manufacturer's instructions before pairing the two. And if you're experiencing persistent dryness or pain, talk with your healthcare provider—there may be other options that can help.
But for those nights when you simply want a little more slip?
Let it slide. Literally.
The Fun Part: Toys That Don't Feel Like Work
If perimenopause has taught me anything, it's that sometimes your body needs a different kind of invitation. Not louder. Not harder. Smarter.
I am at the age where I have zero patience for a toy that requires an engineering degree, 45 minutes of foreplay with the instruction manual, and a noise level comparable to a small aircraft.
I want quiet. I want effective. I want, “oh, hello again.”
Thank you to Tracey’s Dog for gifting my partner and I products that actually delivered.
🔥 The Love Kit
This is the Swiss Army Knife I didn’t know I needed. Removable bullet with four attachments — external stimulator, cock ring, C-shaped couples ring, and finger sleeve — plus a remote.
Why it works in perimenopause: When tissue is more sensitive and you don’t want pinpoint laser pressure, that broad external attachment is chef’s kiss. Rumbly, not buzzy. And the C-shaped ring? It makes it a duet instead of a solo, which frankly is hot when your libido is running on “maybe” instead of “RIGHT NOW.”
It’s whisper-quiet, rechargeable, body-safe silicone, and doesn’t look like a medieval torture device. 5/5. It lives in my nightstand now.
🔥 The Pockety
If the Love Kit is the versatile lover, Pockety is the low-effort, high-return lay-on.
It’s a little S-curved palm vibe designed to hit the clitoris, labia, and U-zone all at once. You literally just... lay it on. No hunting for the right spot when you’re tired and your brain is still running through tomorrow’s grocery list.
7 modes, waterproof, fits in the palm of your hand — or your partners — and perfect for travel. When desire is there but energy is low — when you want connection without a full production — this is your girl. Also 5/5.
Both are easy to clean, genuinely quiet, and beginner-friendly without being boring.
*Gifted from Tracey’s Dog, but the orgasms are my mans doing.
The Red Light Special - Joylux
I’m a Joylux creator, so full disclosure: this is a partnership I sought out.
The Joylux vFit and vFit PLUS use red light photobiomodulation — LEDS in the 662-855nm range + gentle heat (around 41C) + sonic technology —to support blood flow, hydration, and pelvic floor tone. It’s 8-12 minutes every other day, at home. FDA - designated as a low-risk general wellness device for vaginal wellness and sexual function.
Think of it as sunlight for your garden than has been in the dark for some time. Like when Spring starts to bloom and your seasonal depression is on its last leg — she can finally see the LIGHT!!!!
With proven results from QUEEN Halle Berry, herself and many other women — after a few consistent weeks, you will experience less of a dry, tight feeling and more comfort and more sensation.
Quick reminder that this is NOT a vibrator. It’s not a quick fix. It’s a ritual. And consistency is key.
Pair it with their Photonic Geland you actually feel the difference in light diffusion.
This has been one of the more unexpectedly game-changing tools in my perimenopause kit.
It’s All in Your Head - Yea, No Shit…
Winona is a tele-health platform for women where you speak with an actual medical consultant who can offer bioidentical HRT — estrogen, progesterone, and DHEA.
I AM NOT prescribing this. I am not your doctor. What I am is a 43-year-old woman who is tired of being told “it’s all in your head.”
Winona doesn’t make you feel dismissed for asking about vaginal estrogen for comfort and libido.
If you are experiencing persistent dryness, pain with intimacy, night sweats that murder your sleep (and therefore your desire), hot flashes, mood shifts — it is worth having a real conversation with a provider who specialized in this stage of life.
Winona makes that conversation easier.
This is educational only. Talk to your provider about risks/benefits of HRT for you.
Good Reads Before You Spiral
Because desire lives in your brain as much as your body:
1. Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski — The accelerator/brake model will change your entire sex life. You are normal.
2. The Menopause Manifesto by Dr. Jen Gunter — Science, not shame.
3. Magnificent Sex by Peggy Kleinplatz & A. Dana Ménard— What actually makes sex great after 40. Spoiler: it’s not performance.
4. The Menopause Brain by Dr. Lisa Mosconi— Why libido, sleep, and mood are connected and what to do about it.
Read Together: For Him & For You Both
Because desire after 40 is rarely a solo project.
If your partner wants to understand this season:
Mating in Captivity - Esther Perel - Why we need space to want
The 5 Love Languages - Gary Chapman- Quick win for connection
101 Nights of Great Sex - Laura Corn - Low-pressure, playful prompts — pick one a week
Come Together - Emily Nagoski - The follow-up to Come As You Are, specifically for couples in long-term love
Add 2 lines: "Pro tip: Read one prompt together Sunday night. No goal. Just 'what felt safe? what felt fun
Explore the reads on my Amazon Storefront
I hope you all take what resonated and explore new ways to make yourself feel like your intimacy — not only with yourself but with your partner as well — is one of the most important places you feel confident about in life.
Until next time…
This post contains affiliate links + gifted product from Tracey's Dog + Joylux + überlube + Winona. As always, orgasms are my own.
Hi, I'm E. Lynn, founder and editor of The Hollow Quill.
Through Flora & Fauna, I share honest conversations about perimenopause, midlife wellness, and healthy aging—because no woman should have to navigate this season alone.🌿
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vFit by Joylux - The Red Light Special
Catch up on E. Lynn’s debut novel The No Sex Rule - Chapters 1 -10 available for everyone!
Perimenopause doesn’t mean desire disappears—in fact, your sex drive may be entering an entirely new season. From changing hormones and deeper confidence to better intimacy, lubrication, pleasure, and knowing exactly what your body wants, we’re talking about how libido can thrive after 40. Plus, I’m sharing the intimate wellness rituals, products, books, and resources helping me embrace this chapter with curiosity instead of shame.
Because getting older doesn’t make us less sensual. Sometimes, it finally gives us permission to become more of ourselves.